D for Disaster

September 16, 2006 at 10:13 pm (Agony and Ecstacy, College, General stuff)

I’m not sure why I’m writing this post. I think in three years I haven’t gotten rid of some of the anger built up inside of me. Sometimes, I still want to call him and tell him to get ass raped in the furthest reaches of hell. But, there are days where I can’t hold my feelings in anymore. I hope this post can get all of my left over feelings out in the open…..

When I was about 18, after I broke up with James, the college hockey player who left me with sexual frustration and an expensive phone bill, and was single for a while. That summer brought a man, I’ll call him D because everyone I know knows his name and I don’t think personally it’s worth repeating anymore. (Sides it’s a lot shorter than calling him Dipshit or He who should never be named) He was cute and sweet. He had brown mousy hair, brown eyes, with cherry skin, tall and a thick but not muscle-less build. He romanced me and swept me off my feet. Everything was going gravy…Until I had to move away to college.

My first semester of college was a total nightmare…..a borderline of fuckups in stereo. Let me give you the backdrop: this was the first time I would be away from my home town of the Chi for an extended period of time besides vacation. I would be in the middle of the woods, in a new state, not knowing any one and being 600 miles away from family and friends. I was scared shitless. My roommate Jessica, who at first I thought would be nice was cruel, manipulative and a total bitch. I was stuck on a floor from hell, with people who’s backstabbing shallow verisions of friendship sickened me. (Basically, think of Laguna beach 24-7 and you’d get the idea) Me and another girl were the only minorities who lived there. After she left, I was the only black female in our house period…I dunno whether or not Jessica hated me because I was black, if she hated me because I was the exact anthesis of her or if I was the scapegoat of her many psychological and emotional problems. The jury is still out on that one….but then again my first semester was not completely full of woe…I ended up getting a job at the Diversity office at my school. I made friends with people and life progressed on….then the honeymoon phase of my relationship ended and went to hell from there…

He would call me and get into fights with me daily. When I would be either at work or classes or visting friends, he would accuse me of cheating on him. In fact I think I could of been breathing wrong and he would accuse me of cheating. It was the “If she’s not here or if she is around other men, even if they’re gay, she’s fucking around” type logic….I found it amusing because I can remember all of those college nights when my roommate would have her rotating cavalcade of bf’s and I would be sleeping by myself….alone…..

Then, there was the times he was supposed to visit. I would be sitting in my room, dressed up…waiting…..waiting….And everytime, he would have an excuse. Once, he told me he got into a car accident. Another time, he told me his grandmother died, which I later found out was a lie.

One thing I always will probably hate him for would be that one day we were having a convo about our future and marriage, and I said I’ll get married when I’m out of school and he had the nerve to tell me “Why do you even bother, you told me yourself you don’t like school, you’ll never graduate” Yes, I know, what a keeper I was with, right?

One time, I got so mad I lied to him and said I slept with someone else. My father explained it best: If one keeps on getting accused of something then eventually they’ll just get pissed of and say, “Yes, I did it, now what motherfucker?” just so they don’t have to hear it anymore…. Then again, in love I’m very much my father’s daughter and a glutton for punishment, so I asked him to come back. He said the only way he would forgive me was if i transferred schools…I liked my school and didn’t want to leave it. After all the drama, I broke up with him. His parting words were, “Once a whore, always a whore” and other things that I’d rather not repeat. I was sad and I wondered at the time did I make a mistake, but I knew deep down I would me miserable if I stayed.

 The next semester things were better, I had moved away from Jessica, I was rooming with my friend Jamie and even though I was hurt and lonely at least I had my school and job and friends to rely on. Around that time, I found something I shouldn’t of found. I found a girl’s website. She was talking about how much she loved her husband, and how wonderful he was. I thought that was sweet….until I saw his name….I thought it was a fluke,  maybe lots of people had that name…but no, everything she said about him matched up and that’s when I knew……

Her husband was my boyfriend….and apparently I wasn’t the only girl he was dating either….

I used to hate him, so much, for abusing me, for using me, for making me the other woman when that is the last thing I’ve ever wanted to be (Because of the breakdown of my parent’s relationship). But time has passed, and I no longer hate him. I will never forget or forgive him, screw that logic, but I don’t hate him.

But then again, I have to thank him. If he wasn’t such an asshole, I wouldn’t know what real love is and what wasn’t. Despite and in spite of him i’m on the cusp of gaining my first degree. I’ve become more self reliant and am happy whether i’m in a relationship or not.

In the end, I guess I can only pity him. He cannot love himself, let alone another person. I on the other hand can and will until the day I die. I will never erase myself for anyone else’s happiness and I’m a stronger person for it. I’m just glad I learned from it and I hope I don’t make the same mistakes again

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I know I’ve been changed….

August 30, 2006 at 12:00 am (General stuff)

I’ve been thinking a lot about the internet lately. Ever since I’ve recieved my first computer, I’ve been on the internet. I used to frequent chat rooms and games, now I never do (the chats not the games. Not even internet forums which I’ve frequent and blogs I’ve read seem to hold my attention…

Maybe the internet has outgrown me, or maybe I’ve outgrown it somewhat. When I was younger, it was an outlet, an escape from the bad situations I was going through, a place that I could find community, a sympathetic ear and a place where I belong…Now i’m older and a bit wiser, I’ve had to move away from my family and support system, I had to learn to live on my own, I’ve loved and had my heart broken, I escaped an emotionally and mentally abusive relationship. Good things have happened because of the internet (Raven and Kiro, which i’ll talk about later.) But, I don’t need it as much as I used to. Life has happened as it always has and will, and maybe the veil and allure has been lost. Or maybe, my life has truely gone offline. The internet is a tool, that can be used for good or used destructively. But, its not the only driving force in my life anymore. Maybe it means that for the first time in a long time, i’ll be unpluged…..

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Katrina, the failure played out in stereo…..

August 28, 2006 at 11:36 pm (General stuff, Poli-ticking, Race)

 http://thinkprogress.org/katrina-timeline

 This is my post for Shakephere’s Sister’s Blog Swarm. I wish I had the eloquence to write something profound or resonating like the other bloggers. All I can give are my thoughts and heart.

Today, is August 28th, for some it signals the beginning of the long work week, for others like me, it signals the first day of classes. This post is not about any of these things I’m afraid. This is about the one year anniversary of act of nature that was Hurricane Katrina and the acts (or lack thereof) of men that was the destruction of New Orleans. The president would rather ignore this marking, have us focus on the 5th year anniversary of 9/11 only. He would rather we be more concerned about who’s the next American Idol or what Paris Hilton is wearing, rather than people remembering the incompetence, the lack of planning and intelligence and the overall apathy that led to the many casualties..why do I call the deaths both immediate and overtime caused by Katrina casualties, because the citizens of the Gulf Coast were casualties in the war on class, sacrifices to the altar of hate, bigotry, greed, hypocrisy, incompetence and irresponsibility….

 In order to insure the status quo, some must enjoy the spoils,while others suffer. The infrastructure of New Orleans was clear cut proof of that. The success of The Bush administration’s Social Darwinism led to the failure and abandonment of so many. And why? Wrong color? Wrong color of money? Not a part of the base? What ever happened to “Do to the least of my brethren, you do to me?” I know in this day and age little things like logic no longer apply, I guess morals don’t either….

One year has passed and yet progress is still slow, money and housing still hasn’t come to the survivors, families have been scattered to the winds. Most of our citizens have lost faith that we are ready for any disaster that may happen be it natural or man made… The blood stains that came from waters of New Orleans will never come clean from this nation’s hands, as long as we remain hate-filled and apathetic towards our brothers and sisters, our fellow citizens, no matter what race, gender, religion, sexuality, age or class that they are.  I want to believe that this country has learned its lessons: that it won’t turn a blind eye anymore to the suffering of its people. But, whenever I remember Katrina, I remember the sadness I felt for the Gulf Coast, and I remember the rage at the government that left it to die…

We cannot come complacent and forget, we cannot doubt it happened and we can no longer not hold our leaders accountable. Rarely forgive and never forget…..

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Hello world!

August 28, 2006 at 9:09 pm (General stuff)

So, these are these newfangled word press blogs I’ve heard so much about, spiffy! And i’m not even being sarcastic, I like it. I will probably write more on this thing as I can think of things, because one, I’m a college student, and two, I have bouts of horrible laziness….

 The first day of classes went as well as I could expect….minus the server dying when everyone needed to double check their class schedule. My weekend went well. I moved back on Thursday, went grocery shopping on Friday with Dan. On Saturday, went to lunch and a picnic, got free ice cream, went to my friend Marquita’s new apartment and managed to make it home safe even though she was determined to get me wasted. Sunday was quiet, but I got to see Over the Hedge. I’ve run into so many friends and acquaintances over the past couple of days, I hope everyone is doing fine. The school has changed a bit, the food may be actually editable since there is a new head chef turning the college cuisine (and I do use the term loosely) on its ear and backside. I feel odd it being my last semester here. It feels familiar and yet new like when I first got here 3 years ago….I feel that this semester will go well and I’m determined to not be afraid that this signals the end of one chapter of my life and the beginning of another, I will also try hard not to fuck things up so I can graduate the hell out of here! Teehee….

So here’s my first post, I only hope I didn’t bore you all too much…

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